I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
john wicks are toilet candles
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.