I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!