I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

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Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.


Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.


Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.


olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives


ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?


ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.


Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey


My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.


First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos


me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees