@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

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@TheWidowmakerX

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

@EndhooS

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

@Sirrruh

Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.

@OllyiConic

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

@Browtweaten

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

@ozzyunc

My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

@DanMentos

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees