I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I am never leaving this website
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.