I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.