I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
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Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.