I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
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[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married