Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Best seat on the street 😍

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

For anyone who needs this today

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

but that was my emotional support daylight

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE