I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
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I occasionally drink every single night.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.