I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
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My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
black phone good
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I like long walks away from everyone
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it