I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.