I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
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Breaking news:
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Duolingo getting serious.