I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again