Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

i want to work in this restaurant

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me: