I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
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If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.