I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
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God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
how long have you had this for?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
Genius idea!!
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.