I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
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Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
#Caturday
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.