Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.