I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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they finally got him. they got macavity
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.