I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”