Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.