i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
You Might Also Like
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.