i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

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Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex


How come my wife can’t hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?


My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.


[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?


Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks


“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows


Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?


My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.


ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop