Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

The Weeknd is back

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

*has no idea what a book even is*

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂