I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants