I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
i- i did not expect this
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough