Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.