Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.