I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is