I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.