Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

This seems like peak sibling energy

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.