I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true