I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.