Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

Kentucky names the shit out of places

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Risking my life for fun.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot