I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
You Might Also Like
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat