Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”