I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
You Might Also Like
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.