Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.