Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Expect the unexporcupine.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings