Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.