Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Self-cleaning conscience

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.