I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
stop
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago