Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees