I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
when mom throws a party…
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
6. me as a lawyer
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.