I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
December birthdays be like…
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?