I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Camping tip: No.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
reduce, reuse, recycle
