i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
You Might Also Like
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Super Hand Dog Face
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
*frowns in Scottish*
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I just ran a .003048K
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.