i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.