I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
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Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“We will wed,” I threatened
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Never ghost your hitman.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.