Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
January has been Januweary
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.