Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.