Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

🤣😂

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.