I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
a public service announcement
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work