Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th