Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

They say women only use 10% of their anger

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”