Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too