I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.