I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
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The Others (2001)
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.