I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
☠️ ☠️
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.