i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me when i see my girls butt
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
selfie game
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.