i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.