i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Boating season is upon us.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
