I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
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Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
wish me luck lads
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
The point of your 20s
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame