I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
real
![]()
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
![]()
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Need this in my life lol
![]()
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*