Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

😂😂

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

HERE’S MARKY