I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.

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20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.


Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.


If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.


Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.


I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”


[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog


I literally have no clever commentary. This glorious monstrosity speaks for itself.


I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that


Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?