I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.