I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.