I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Trumpy Cat
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.