I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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How dramatic are you?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner