I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
decorating my apartment
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.