I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
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*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Rude much 😂😂😂
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
technique
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS