I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You Might Also Like
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Monday Lisa
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
wtf is a larm clock?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.